single stories

Before you roll your eyes and click away to another page, no, this isn't another rant about being single.  I promise.  Mostly ;)

This is a post about a concept that I feel like I've known about for a long time, but have been unable to express fully. 

An amazing woman called Chimamanda Adichie described the concept in a talk from the TED conference 2009 (see below).  I was blown away by her intellect, courage, and most of all, her ability to hold an audience entranced by her words.  She describes herself as a "storyteller" rather than a writer or a novelist, and that makes a lot of sense.  You'd be a fool to define her by her usual choice of medium because she's an excellent speaker too.

I think she explains it a lot better than I can, so here's Chimamanda herself
(the talk is around 18 minutes long, but I think it's time well spent in listening to her speak):


I think what strikes me most about the concept is that, once you understand it as Chimamanda describes it, you begin to see it everywhere.

This is, in fact, what I was getting at in my previous post.  You cannot look at a person, or a place, a people, or even a state of being in just one way.  It's imperative that you embrace the whole picture.

As a single person, I do not want someone to look at me and immediately think:  partnerless, without spouse, alone, individualist, lonely, incomplete, pitiful.  True as those labels can be, they are just the negative view.  I am also strong, mysterious, courageous, faithful, blessed, patient and free.

It is interesting hearing this concept as described by a Nigerian.  I felt I could relate immediately to those who see Nigerians through a single story filter.   If you had asked me a couple of weeks back what I knew about Nigerians, other than email scams, I think the first thing to come to mind would be the freaky men in the movie District 9.  They sold anything and everything on the black market, they stole and traded weapons.  The leader of the gang was a sick, twisted man who lived for power.  A wichdoctor(ess?) convinced him that he could take on another man's power by eating his flesh, which he very nearly did to my disgust.  Ewwww.

It's not exactly what I want as the sole point of reference to a people who I otherwise know nothing about.  Given a blank map of the African continent, I'm not even sure I could confidently point to Nigeria.  But I remember the freaky dude in District 9...

It goes both ways, of course.  When I visited Kenya and Malawi earlier this year, I caught a glimpse of the single story of the white-skinned person.  People of white-skin are: rich, can be relied on for hand-outs, rescuers, interferers, tied to a colonial past, blessed with resources but ignorant of what really matters.
You might have noticed that the story is not entirely negative.  But even the positives grate when they are forced upon me.
I found it incredibly frustrating to be viewed as an ATM machine; it forced me to question the motives of any locals who sought to be my friend.  I wonder if those people found it equally frustrating that I viewed them as helpless and incapable.  Stuck.  I felt responsible for them.  As if it were my place to somehow fix things.  Because obviously they were not able to fix it themselves.  I did not even question whether things needed "fixing" in the first place.  Because obviously the way of living that I know is the "right" way. 

I'm beginning to see that it's not just a nice idea to learn lots about people, cultures, places and history.  It's a responsibility.  

Without being open to the full spectrum of stories, we force each other into cages.  Without the full spectrum, I am tied to the path set by well-meaning white missionaries and old maids, crazy ladies with cats and broomsticks.  It's just not me.

What about you?  Do you struggle with the constrictions of a single story?  Are you guilty of viewing a person or group of people through a narrow filter?

the sin of singleness

Apparently it’s not easy being single.

Actually, that is kinda true.  I’m single at the moment, and I’ve definitely spent more time in that state than out of it.  So I know that being single has its own challenges.  Some of the things I regularly struggle with are:

Boundaries: how to set them, when to set them, where the line is between friendship and something…more than friendship, how to socialise “safely” without putting up walls

Communication and expectation: how not to give the wrong impression, how to avoid anyone from feeling threatened by my continued singleness…unbelievably I’m not actually after your husband, although yes, I do like attention and chatting about common interests, etc

Feeling and emotions: loneliness, envy, lust, jealousy, confusion: these don’t really need explaining.  They’re definitely not a struggle just for singles. 

In fact, a single could probably ask a married person what they find difficult, and find that they struggle with many of the same things. 

There are pros and cons to every stage in life. 

I have to remind myself of this when I see kids playing with wild abandon at the park and suddenly I want to be seven again.  But wait…remember being teased, and not being able to stay up late?   What about having your mum insist that you take a coat even though it looks dorky, and never getting to stay at home alone even though the alternative is trailing behind your sibling around a shopping mall while they take forever to decide on a new pair of shoes?  Oh yeah.  The golden years weren’t always golden.  The grass is always greener.

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you any of this, it’s really self-explanatory.

So it comes as a surprise to me sometimes how often I have to explain to people what my BIGGEST struggles are as a single. 
More than anything thing else, I struggle with three things that make my blood boil:

1.  The subversive, often subconsciously-held myth that claims there are NO pros in being single

It’s something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.  In fact, you’re surprised that singleness doesn’t lead to more suicide attempts, it’s such a continuous state of suck.  You’d rather submit yourself to several consecutive dentist visits than be single, it’s that bad.  Man, if you’re single right now, you have my pity.

2.  The belief that single = incomplete, unfinished

Being single is failing to achieve the ultimate and most celebrated of life’s purposes: finding that one person you’re meant to spend your life with. 
Or if not THE one, then SOME one, ANY one…or ones for that matter.  Anything but single, alone and unloved. 

3.  The idea that singles who aren’t spending every minute of their lives looking for a life partner are seriously abnormal

They obviously need to be directed to:
a) counselling
b) speed/internet dating or
c) gay/lesbian support groups….

Because if you’re not looking, it means that you’re not interested in romantic relationship at all.  Full stop.  Never.  Put a down-payment on that run-down cottage and get me some cats.  Preferably about thirteen.

People (just like my one-year-old nephew) like to be in boxes. 
No wait, that’s not it.  People like to put other people in boxes.  I know. I do it all the time.

I reckon the “single” box must smell real bad, because while “married”, “homosexual”, “lesbian”, “transsexual”, “de-facto married”, “civilly unionised" and “mentally unstable” are acceptable long-term boxes, the “single” box is assumed to be a temporary box just like “child” and “teenager”. 

It’s inevitable.  As you grow, you move out of the temporary boxes into the long-term box you were destined for.  So quit mucking around and get hitched already!  And while you’re at it, pop out some children for the good of the population.

I’ve been watching a set of DVDs recently, by a guy called Louie Giglio (more commonly referred to as “Louie Gigolo” by me, because as you know, singles are immature and find lame jokes funny).

Among other things, Louie presents some ideas about life and purpose.  I’ve heard several theories on this subject.  I’m not God (the universe…42…whatever), so I can’t tell you which one is right, if any.  But Louie’s ideas intrigued me.

What I got from his talks is that:
-it’s not about us: it’s not our story, it’s God’s story
-even though we don’t really know what God’s trying to achieve through life/the world, is clear he/she/it is trying to achieve something
-our purpose as humans includes being part of God’s story, whatever that is.

A lot of what I think I know about God comes from the bible.  And in the bible, the world ends, sometime or other.

So I’m imagining myself at the end of the world.  Earthquakes.  Catastrophe.  Redemption.  The great recounting of everything.  Heaven, cherubs, unicorns, the whole deal.
I’m standing before the creator of the universe, and he’s looking over my life. 
“Sarah, Sarah, Sarah” he says, shaking his head.  “I gave you so many gifts in life.  Why did you never live into your full potential?  Why did you remain single?”

Definitely. That’s exactly what he’s gonna say.

He’s gonna have nothing at all to say about how much time I spent not helping the poor, widows, prisoners and outcasts. 
He’s not gonna be at all interested in how I spent my money and my other resources.
He won’t be interested in my heart, soul and character and how I’ve developed them in relationship with family, friends and even strangers.

Nope.  He’s gonna be caught up on that one thing.  After all, that is why he created the universe.  To match people up like a cosmic game of memory/happy families.  Once we’ve all found our matching piece, a giant bell will ring out in joy and the father of us all will smile contentedly, knowing things are finally right with his creation…

Yeah, it’s a stupid story, isn’t it? 
And you’ve never ascribed to any of those ideas, right?  Not even if you’re single yourself.

Well I have.  I have to admit I’ve looked at men who are over 40 and partner-less and thought, “I have to make sure I never ask why they aren’t married…it must be so painful”.  And I’ve seen women alone and imagined how hard their life must be in comparison to women who are married.

So I guess if I’m going to babble on about the single state, I’m going to have to learn to practice what I preach.
If, by some miracle, you’re still reading (and aren’t turned off by my display of hypocrisy), I’d like to leave you with these thoughts:

If you are single now, I’m neither affirming or criticising you.  I’m not talking about you at all, really.

I know being single is not necessarily a decision.  Some of us may jump at the chance to be in an intimate, romantic relationship right now.  I can’t tell you how to feel, or speak on your behalf, just like you can’t speak on behalf of me.

Regardless of how permanent or temporary singleness is, I don't think it should define you, or prevent you from being the person you were created (or evolved, or coincident-ed) to be.  You are who you are, regardless. 

If you aren’t single (or even if you are), try not to pity me for being single.
I don’t deserve your pity.  My life has as many pleasures and struggles as yours, even if they don’t match your own.

One day I will die.  That’s really all I know for sure.  The rest is a mystery, but it’s gonna be an interesting one.  And hopefully it will be part of God’s great mystery too.  I’ll let you know how that goes...

curable pessimist

All quiet on the alphabetasaurus front...probably because I've been working away at something new!

Not another blog? you groan.

Yep.  Sorry to disappoint.  But I think you should check it out.  I'm actually pretty excited about this one, because it's kind of a project.  An experiment. 

And since I've been posting so randomly on this blog of late, maybe a little structure is appealing?

Okay.  Since I can't convince you, here's a pretty picture of spring, just to make your visit worth it.

If you change your mind, here's the link.

rhetorical questions?

Why is it that I do my best thinking in the shower? At night?



If sacrifice is about dying to yourself, do you need to change in order to serve others?

Or more particularly, when I am giving of myself, why is it that I get tired and resentful? Why do I look for a time limit and rejoice when I see a moment when I can stop giving?



Where is the line between self-care and self-absorption?



Why do I keep claiming that I will pray for people and not following through? Have I forgotten how to pray? Do I not think I will do a good job?

Is it possible to pray badly? If so, will that have a negative effect on God's response?



In defining myself as an "introvert", am I actually belittling myself and preventing my ability to step out of that character trait?




Why do I look at people when I walk past them in the street? Particularly nice looking young men? I thought I'd already decided that I'm not interested in romantic love right now and like being single?



What colour is love?



I'm happy for these questions to remain rhetorical, but if you have thoughts, comments or wackiness to share, go for it :)

pros and cons

pros

1. travelling can be fun
2. i am single with few responsibilities. this will not last forever.
3. volunteering can be helpful to other people
4. i like helping people
5. volunteering is actually in my work performance agreement
6. going places helps to broaden your horizons. apparently.
7. i don't have any better ideas
8. i'm not interested in settling down
9. i might see people who i like again
10. travelling again, particularly on my own, proves that i have not lost my nerve and that what happened last time does not necessarily make me want to hide in a cave for the rest of my life.

cons

1. there are better ways to spend the money
2. if i really wanted to help people, i could just send them the money i would spend on a plane ticket
3. retracing your steps can sometimes be disappointing
4. travelling, particularly in africa, is scary
5. there is no guarantee that the time and money i spend will make a tangible improvement in the life of anyone, anywhere
6. my skin is still white
7. i am still very naiive and not very brave
8. the people i'd like to spend time with might be busy
9. the people i'd like to spend time with might not actually want to hang out with me
10. i'm not sure i have it in me to prepare properly, particularly now that i know what to expect, what to bring, and how much effort it takes.

issues

1. money
2. how long
3. where? what?
4. i am psycho and can't make decisions

when we look at the world

In my house, there is a map of the world on our kitchen table.

Every time I come in for a drink, a snack or a meal, I see the pastel colours and crooked shapes representing countries, continents and seas.

This is no big deal. I have seen a hundred maps in my time. They're all much of a muchness, aren't they? If you've seen one world map, you've seen em all.

But maps hold a fascination for me now that they never used to.
I remember colouring in maps in fourth form social studies. I would pay much more attention to whether I was colouring outside of the line than I would to which country I was looking at, or where it was in relation to my own.

A common reaction for a fourteen year-old, I suppose. I cared about what mattered to me. That is, did the end result look reasonably good? Would the teacher be satisfied when she glanced at my work in passing?
Colouring in, I think, was for me less of an art and more of a chance to rest. To be introspective. To process what else had gone on in the school day, and remind myself that even if I couldn't do maths to save myself, at least I could colour. It's not difficult to be reasonably good at colouring. It wasn't a strain.

Social studies could be soothing, then, but never interesting. The idea of taking geography as a subject in later years never even entered my mind.

I never thought to question that. I took history, which I loved. I suppose the appeal was the stories. History was one big story-telling session for me. It bothered me when people tried to over-analyse it, or look at it from too many conflicting angles. I just wanted the story. I suppose that's why I never really succeeded at essay writing.

But that is besides the point. The point is, I was not interested in the world. Not at all.

Now, having seen more of the world in the past year than all of my years combined, I've realised something: it is a strange thing to live on an island.

If I thought about the world at all in past years, I always imagined every country to be as distinct as my own. When I saw athletes lined up in Olympic stadiums, each proudly displaying their nation name, I felt in my mind that each was its own island. Each country floated around in its own space, neighboured by other countries, certainly, but never quite touching. Reality never quite dawned on me. It's laughable really.

I never consciously noticed how close Europe and Africa and Asia are to each other. That Russia and Alaska have fingertips that almost touch. That China and Russia share more than one border. That those new offshoots of the old USSR, like Kazakhstan, are actually kinda giant sized. Do you know anything about Kazakhstan? I don't. And have you ever noticed how tiny Israel is? And what about Iran or Sudan or Algeria? They're huge. Who knew?

I don't understand how some countries formed. They're the same bit of earth, there's just a line on a map and, I suppose, a border patrol to separate them. For example, check out where Papua New Guinea meets the other half of Indonesia. Why?
The Middle East is just crazy. I've been to the airport in Qatar twice now. I never even realised there was a country called Qatar before this year. It's tiny. It's dwarfed by Saudi Arabia. Saudi could carelessly open its mouth and swallow Qatar by accident.

I realise I'm displaying my ignorance quite openly now.

I wouldn't do it if I thought I was alone. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's clueless. At least a little bit. It is a strange thing to live on an island. We are not normal.

When we look at the world, our eyes don't often take in that not everyone has seen the sea. We don't understand the size and scope and history of other countries. Ex-countries. New countries. Moving borders and the fear of one group of people coming to beat another group of people into submission. How ideas can spread from one corner of a connected landmass to another. How amazing it is for a country to assert its own ideas when surrounded by others with conflicting ideas and big guns. How strange it is that New Zealand is unified, and not two or four or six countries all in the same space.

It's a bit intimidating. But it's also kinda exciting to have this awakening. It makes me wonder what else has completely passed me by; the knowledge or idea or obsession that, in a few years time, is going to have a huge effect on me and completely change the way I look at the world.

When you look at the world, what do you see?

If you could visit another corner of the world, where would it be?

spotlight on words, poop and human radio

I dunno about you, but most of the time when I'm on the internet, I stick with what I know. I go back to old haunts. These days it's mostly Facebook, SCL, a bit of Dilbert and email.

In the old days, I might have spent more time on those fad email card/birthday reminder places and, well, blogs. I wonder if blogging can be classed as "old school" now. Hehe.

But anyways, although I am a creature of habit, every so often a juicy new tidbit comes my way in that unexpected internety fashion and distracts me from my usual toys. Today's thing might not be as long-lasting as social networking sites or Google, but it was definitely a fun way to spend an evening at home. When you're sick, a bit of unexpected entertainment is a good thing.

Without any further ado (and trust me, I could ado some more, but I'm holding myself back), here is my first ever Wordle...



This is a collection of words used often on alphabetasaurus - the bigger the word, the more often it's used. It's the same sort of theory as tag clouds...but the fun part is that you get to submit the text, change the colours and fonts, layout and more.
Apparently, I spend a lot of time blogging about people. And good things :) Yus!

I had such a good time, I made a few more...




My favourite bible verse, the lyrics of my favourite song, a section of a favourite book and - just for fun - a book of the Swahili new testament.
I would offer points for guessing/knowing what each of those things are...but I don't think I have enough readers anymore. So no points. But knock yourself out if you're bored.
(not you Simon, you spend too much time internet stalking as it is - go do your homework!)

Did you know?

A Sweedish company has invented a bag that you can poop/pee in which turns human faeces into valuable fertiliser?
Did you want to know that?
Hehe, too bad...you already do. Sorry if I spoiled your dinner!

But actually, this is a pretty cool-sounding invention. I could see its uses in slums and other areas with little access to working toilets etc. It's got a catchy name too: the peepoo bag. Hehe.

The website makes it sound like it's the solution to the problem of hygiene/clean water problems, period...which I'm not so sure about. But I don't want to bad mouth it. Anyone who wants to improve sanitation and access to clean water without trying to make big bucks has got a tick from me.
Check out the website: www.peepoople.com

More did you know?

I've mentioned this on Facebook, but in case you missed it, I heard about a new(ish) radio station in Wellington recently called HumanFM. Not only does it have no commercials, but it also airs a wide variety of stuff that you might not find on mainstream radio.

It's run out of Ramsey House which is the Anglican chaplaincy at Victoria University. But it's not a "Christian" radio station. Which I think is good, because I'm not that fond of the "Christian" label...seriously, my fingers get tired doing all those "quote marks" - I might as well be talking about "lasers" to Austin Powers.

I think no commercials and variety are two very good things, but don't take my word for it. Have a listen...



Last but not least

On the topic of old school, a few of you might know about the Free Rice craze that was around a year or so ago. Was it a craze? Well it was for me.

If you don't know about it, Free Rice started off as a website where you could send free rice to hungry people, just by answering multiple choice questions about English words. The theory was, people using it would improve their vocabulary/word skills, and people in poverty would get free rice donated by sponsors, based on how many words users got right. Win win.

I thought it was a pretty cool idea, but I slacked off doing it after a short while. Something about my generation and needing instant gratification and new things all the time. Sheesh.

Apparently, it is still around, it is still popular and it has expanded to cater for the easily-distracted, such as myself. w00t!
Now you can test yourself with French, German, Italian and Spanish words, chemical symbols, maths, art and geography!

I'm having the most fun with geography, basically because I'm so crap at it. But I'm getting better. And I never knew Israel was so tiny...



So there you have it: a few random new things to distract you. I'll give you...10 mins max before you're back checking your status on Facebook, or tweeting. Uugh, tweeting.

Sigh. We need to get out more.

[Incidentally, thanks to the hinitiative and Evan for pointing out cool stuff on their blogs for me to steal]